Cat's Eyes

Bright eyes; golden dust flecked in a sea of green, they watch you--all knowing,

bright eyes, they wash you with their warmth, always watching, always waiting,

when you laugh, scream or cry, they are always there,

bright eyes in a sea of silken fur,

a gentle warmth, always waiting, waiting for you.

("What is love?"

"Love is when a kitten comes to curl on your lap...

... even after you're ignored it the whole day.")

we didn't.

darling, 

didn't we promise to watch the sunrise together one day?

didn't we promise to look out into the horizon, watch the sun break over the horizon and disappear in a crest of faded clouds? didn't we promise to hold hands, smile, and wish for a better day?

darling, didn't we?

Winter Love.

your love falls like snowflakes on a winter night;

gently and softly, turning my skin red and my breath hot.

it's beautiful.

but it's so cold--so fragile

Falling.

Love is one of the most beautiful, incredible and precious feelings in the entire world. When you're so deeply in love, in the midst of entwined fingers and passionate kisses that you don't realize. You don't realize because you're on cloud 9 floating in the air and you don't realize that there's a hard, cold ground waiting for you to fall down on and if you fall off the cloud, you hurt so bad. You're bruised, bloodied and broken and you can't even remember what it was like on the cloud. That's what I feel, and that's what I'm so afraid of.

Confession #3

Maybe it's my destiny to never be loved.

But does it have to hurt this much? Does my chest have to burn, my throat sear, my eyes swell and my heart break into thousands and thousands of dreams and wishes that would never come true? I'm truly a doll--living only for the happiness for my puppet masters, the one who holds the strings to me.

A doll will never be loved.

Why Me?

I'm just so tired.

So tired of everything.

Why am I the only one who ends up fighting alone?

Endless Autumn.

She twiddles her thumbs, rough course skin of endless nights of fingertip chewing and nail-biting has left them so. She looks up and scans around the park painted with reddish-gold and brown. Just waiting, waiting, waitin-

Where the hell was he?

Soon she feels someone take her rough, unlady-like hands and kiss them.

"I'm here"

Faster, run faster.

"keep running dear, keep running... maybe you'll find out where you're supposed to go in life..."

The muscles in your legs scream with agony and your lungs burn in protest as you race across the barren land. You're lost. All you see is the horizon and all you can feel is the icy wind slicing across your face, as though telling you that you should stop.

But you won't stop,

because you can see the sunlight rising from the horizon,

and you need to keep chasing after the light.

Tears of pain.

A 22 year old good looking chinese in Malaysia committed suicide after his model girlfriend broke up with him.

http://joshuaongys.com/2010/12/19-yrs-old-malaysian-alviss-kong-jumped-off-building-committing-suicide-after-leaving-facebook-message/

This made me cry.
Love for some hurts, and for some kills.

little things

She touches the snowflakes and feels it melt against her flushed cheeks.

It feels good--clean,

she laughs in irony.

Never.

Since when, since when did you have to have a say in everything I do? Since when did the things that I do for myself, need you to fit into the picture? Since when do the things that I do that make me happy, need to make you happy? Since when did you, become my life? Since when was it okay for you, mother, to have to control everything that I do?

"..."

Exactly. 

Now let's keep it that way.

You smile...

...and then you realize in that exact, perfect second,

you're holding your entire world in your arms...

Lead me.

She tells me to colour her monochrome world with pastel pinks for innocence, yellow for virtue, green for youth and blue for happiness. The hues of the pastels collide into one single winding road-- rich with elation of freedom and imagination. 

"This journey I will lead you through...

...the world where there's only me and you"

She smiles.

Shining.

It's as though there are rainbows in my veins, just waiting to come out and shine after the rain.

But i'm not really that fond of rainbows, to be honest.

Still some left.

"It's been forever but that hasn't changed what you mean to me"

She hesitates, fingers hovering over the keyboard--trembling.

What could she say that she hasn't already?

"I hope you're happy with her"

Another pause--she presses delete,

sits back, closes her eyes and feels a single tear warm on her cheek;

She didn't know she had any left.

Spinning Motions

The world is moving too fast and your vision gets blurry. You want it to slow down so that you have time to catch a breath or make a decision.

It's like you're lost and before you know it,

you're getting left behind.

Moments glimpse.

It's as though you're drowning--like the sounds of the world are muffled and you can only hear the sound of your beating, pathetically beating, heart. Each thump gets louder and louder and you let the little lights swarm around you like fireflies.

Someone walks by and you look at them, waiting for that usual curious glance and then the familiar image of their back as they walk away. You are invisible to everyone around you anyway. 

But no. 

A hand is extended, a word is exchanged and he asks you if you're okay.

You hesitate.

"I'm fine,"

He pauses for a bit, blue eyes studying your own dull, chestnut ones and then nods-- his lips curving up shyly before walking down the hallway and out of your life forever. 

You watch him leave as your heart beats again; as though that single moment of acknowledgement, that single smile of acceptance offered to you, that single second where you're not that i n v i s i b l e anymore, well, it feels... almost good.

Thank you stranger, for your therapeutic smile

skin deep

she looks into the mirror; and her soul crumbles inside

wiping the tears falling from her eyes she tries to smile

but her lips won't move.She remembered what he said to her,

those full lips wording her name, telling her that she was beautiful

Then she remembers the other girl--red-lipped, green-eyed, gold hair

Smashing a fist into her own reflection she watches it shatter

like my soul, it shatters into a thousand glittering pieces

a trickle of blood slowly runs down her arm and she frowns.

she didn't feel so beautiful anymore.

Winter night

"When violet eyes get brighter, and heavy wings grow lighter" - Owl City

You. 

That's all my world was about. It was the only existence in my darkened universe, the nebula in the stained heavens. You brought colour into my mundane lifestyle, the light in my darkness and the music to my silence.

Then the music stopped.

Times and memories and photographs smoldering on my dressing table are the only fragments left behind--simple ashes are not enough. Ashes and dust of my heart, broken and wavering: a flame likely to extinguish. 

This mediocre existence is a fight every passing hour and minute and second and each moment I spend thinking of you, a butterfly is born. I miss you, like a girl abandoned by her mother.. oh by god I miss you. But i'm tired of drowning in butterflies every night, silence being my only cry for help.

Don't disappear from my sight. 

You're still here, still an existence in my life. A tiny flame compared to the roaring light of hope you were before. But you haven't gone out yet, and you. Gentle flame.

You're still in my heart. 

(and maybe you still burn-- just a little)

" And I'll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I won't forget you..." - Owl City

No darling,
I'll never forget the butterflies..

Rant #2

She said, "I'm tired of all the smiles. And explanations for all the dreams you never let me see. I'm tired of all the trials and implications of all the words you never said to me. And you, will forever be a part of who I am." 

Everything is not okay.

Hypocrite.

Sometimes I do believe that there is a god, but most of the time I do not. I call myself an atheist since I potentially do not really trust god, thus I don't believe him. Maybe it's because i've grown up living in pain, pressure, despair and I prayed every night, hoping that he or she may hear me.

My prayers were never answered.

Maybe it was because I was unlucky , or my problems were insignificant compared to others because I know that others have problems, or because I wasn't worthy enough to receive divine help, but whatever the reason, I now only pray when I'm in desperate situations and it's mostly just, 

"Please god, if you can hear me, I need your help."

Maybe my expectations were just too high.

So i've learnt to just rely on myself.

That way, no one gets hurt.

(Dear God,

I kind of do miss you.)

Rant #1

I am a disgrace.

Stupidity.

But not too stupid.

Because stupid decisions and ideology gets you nowhere in life.

But sometimes stupid decisions and dreams help move you forward.

But stupid choices will lead to stupid actions,

and those kind of actions you will want to regret.

Don't be too stupid,

unless you wish to regret.

Another movie scene.

She walks past him, her eyes downcast,

then in one single heartbeat, she looks up.
Their eyes meet; blue to grey.

They both look down and keep on walking--

there's a smile on his face;

there are tears in her eyes.

"You're beautiful"

Let go.

Don't give up, okay? I know you've been hurt, I know how it feels. Believe me, I do. But the feeling will pass, the tears will stop falling and your heart will heal itself.

Because i've been there.

I've suffered the pain of losing someone I love, the pain of wishing you could take back everything you ever said, cross it out in white-out markers and write beautiful words --lyrics even-- over the foul ones you dared to utter before. I've felt the burning feeling behind your eyes, the feeling of tears prickle and the moment when you just give in and a cascade of waterfall spills over and your vision becomes all blurry-like and unfocused, reality being all shaky images,

and you like it like that.

I've been there,

i've suffered,

i've cried,

i've bled,

broken,

died.

But I'm still alive,

so my message to you is to just let go.

Even though it hurts; as though every breath drawn was like stepping on broken glass,

Even though you're gripping on grimly on the edge by your fingernails,

Even though you're afraid of crashing down onto the cold, hardened pavement,

just let go.

Because there will be someone there to catch you.

Smiling is the best revenge

They whisper and glance back, their eyes studying her every movements
Scrutinizing, piercing, excruciating

She could only hear faint, patronizing murmurs but in her mind she can hear their voices echoing loud (so loud that it's almost painful)

"she's so stupid,"

"she thinks she's all that,"

the voices fade away just ever so s l i g h t l y

they turn to look at her again
their eyes meet and she stares back--eyes burning with golden, undefeated fire,

they turn back to whisper poison into each others ears and the voices start up once more inside her mind,

"just look at her pretending to be so cool,"
"disgusting."

They turn around once more, hoping this time she isn't watching.

But she is--

She smiles.

--she's always watching, waiting, listening...

hurting.

A dream

Skies are captivating; the never-ending masses of azure, peach and violet stretching into the distant horizon, fading into vanilla twilight. Sometimes i'd look out the window and my fingers would gently brush the frosted glass, gently, gently now, as though I could touch the sky and i'd wonder out loud:

"Dear God, 

when is it my turn to fly?"

Falling down.

Just a split second and all is lost.

The light in the eyes gives way to darkness, 

the sound of the voice gives way to silence,

the warmth of the body gives way to icy cold.

And then you're gone.

But the light returns to your eyes,

the sounds return in ways of song,

the warmth of the body to the skies,

and you're finally not alone.

Deaths scare me.

It's frightening to know that in a few moments, the rosy hue on the cheeks turn pale and the life you had, the life you breathed is gone just like that. I'm afraid of death. I only hope that when he comes and sucks my soul away, I go with a smile--willingly. Because that means that'd i'd have done everything I really wanted in my life, and I have no regrets.

In remembrance to someone who has died recently.

Memories.

pictures of you, pictures of me
hung upon your wall for the world to see
pictures of you, pictures of me
remind us all of what we used to be

They said that a camera can capture your soul,
could it capture emotions too?
Smiling faces, crying faces, faces bright with the glow of being in love.
Fleeting emotions, just seconds to fly past, can they capture that?
Can photos hold and protect emotions like a treasure chest holds and protects gold?


If cameras can capture the soul,
If cameras can capture the heart,
If cameras can capture feelings,


and lay all these feelings down in a thousand of photographs,
Then I'd like to just lie with the thousand of photographs,
so that my own feelings can be captured and taken away.




A doll isn't supposed to feel anyway.