Rant #2

She said, "I'm tired of all the smiles. And explanations for all the dreams you never let me see. I'm tired of all the trials and implications of all the words you never said to me. And you, will forever be a part of who I am." 
Everything is not okay.

It hasn't been okay for a while yet I hide the sadness behind open smiles. There's one question that's been bugging me for the past few weeks. 
Do you even love me?
Time and time again we talked about our position in the relationship. It's clear that we've established that i'm the more dominative one and even though you said it was a give and take situation, it's not. You take more than you give. Actually, you only seem to take. 

I don't like being the one in control, I don't like being the guy in the relationship yet I am and you say that you don't want to be, all the time. So I suck it in and keep in my complaints and act as the guy, even though it should be you. 

I always have to initiate kisses; I always have to text you first; I always have to be the first to say I miss you and I love you; I'm always the one who surprises you with cute messages and notes; I'm always the one who texts you reminding you of how amazing you are; I'm always the one who gets you little gifts because I care and because they remind me of you; I always have to do all the work 

I never said anything because I didn't want to be "whiny" or "demanding"
But the words you said to me 2 nights ago chipped away at my heart and left me in tears after the phone call. You were so cold, so brutal, so cruel and even though I know I've done you wrong, no one deserves to be put down like that. No one.

I hope things will get better tomorrow.

She hides her screaming in sunset dreaming. That's where she goes to cry and crashes down on her knees searching for reasons why

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