I want to see the world.

and there’s something beautiful in the idea

of getting lost in the city with you

cobblestone footsteps lost into the colors

of the foreign laughter

and i can’t speak their language

but with you, we need no words

I couldn’t bloom.

She bloomed like pale peach blush,

stealing over the porcelain of her cheeks,

tears cracking down her mask

but she wasn’t allowed to bloom

so she withered away

and withered with their approval.

Inner child.

she was a child that wanted to grow up

who was not really a child anymore

who never really grew up at all

but this time around

the mistakes she will make aren’t so easily forgiven

which was cruel, she thought, in a childish way.

Instinctive.

Oh carnal woman, burning temptations

with the dark smell of musky monday mornings

a room filled with things, things, things

what secret senses are clasped between sheets

soaked with primal instinct and need

though love is absent in the suffocating air.

Two bodies are ruined by a single moment of

unwanted sweetness and light feathers

where he kisses my infinity and i kiss him goodnight

and then soon i am nothing.

Caught.

“Are you cold?” you whisper, your warm breath caressing my ear, sending deep shivers down my spine. I shake my head slowly, afraid that maybe if I move too fast, you wouldn’t be able to catch me. 

And I need you to,

more than I’ve ever needed anything else.

Balloon.

she wants to let go of the things that hold her down

but she can’t help but want to stay grounded

because blood runs thinner than water and 

I’m tired about lying of not thinking of you

Bleh.

Hey, I might like you more

than I really should.

And I really should

stop

(soon) 

Sheets.

And you catch every single one of my breaths

in between your fingertips

and I love the way you move me

through the evening air

satin on satin

and the way you breathe my name

in the crevices of my neck

Open book.

each furrow between your brow is a story

each crease a paragraph where lines

are etched in words of black and white

sometimes grey because it’s getting harder

to tell what’s wrong or right.

Glitter.

She shows me the world

shards of glass grounded down

into thousands upon thousands

sinking into the carvings of her skin

she offers me the world

laughs and smiles and happiness

spilling between her fingertips

but I can’t seem to catch it so i watch it

fall between the gaps and drift

 down, down, down.

Lost to myself.

It's so unbelievably painful to read words that cut right into your heart. 

The most painful of them being words coming from those you hold dear to your heart. I was a fool for focusing too much on myself, too much of me and I never could truly reason with the idea that maybe others are suffering too--just as badly, or worst. They spoke but I never listened, I watched but I never saw. I always thought I could understand others but what more can I do when I can't even understand the feelings of my friends? What help can I offer when I can't even understand the hurt I cause be it intentional or unintentional but both are just as bad as each other for ignorance is a sin and I'm a sinner.

There's only so many "sorry"s that one can say and with each one, the meaning behind it fades and rots away like decaying hearts left out to dry out and shrivel. I can't help but feel that my "sorry"s just taste like ashes in someones mouth. But what else can I offer but my tears, raw and real and so very painful. I could cry oceans knowing what I've done, what i've been doing to others and never truly understanding the consequences of my actions. 

My own insecurities, my own sadness, my own pain and pleasures and everything I thought was something I could share with them...my friends...I was so, utterly, wrong. I've never hated myself until this particular moment, to think that I've caused enough sadness until those I care about started turning to other means of dealing with the pain I've handed to them on a silver platter. I was selfish. I was blind. How could I not see the things that I've been able to clearly seen before? How could my own pain and sadness render me completely oblivious to the people around me?

No words can describe the pain inside my heart. Not only have I loved you, her, them, for years on end but I have stood by them, laughed with them, cried with them and grew with them and all those years of ignorant bliss now comes back to strike me in the face. I can't believe I was so naive. I can't believe that I caused so much pain. Never have I felt like the most useless person in the world as I do now. How could I be so stupid... 

If I could take away all the pain that I've caused, all the sadness that you feel, all the nightmares and constant self-doubting and hurt that you go through everyday. All the scars. I would. I would take them all away, even at the cost of my own worthless life. I cared too much about my own wounds and forgot to tend to the wounds of those I love. How can I call myself a friend now? 

Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.

How can I fix this. I want to fix this. 

I can only hope now that it's not too late to do so.

Please let me show you that you do mean something, that you ARE worth something, that you do have a purpose on this Earth. I have no idea how on earth I will achieve this but I promise you that I will and that I will never, ever forget.

I may have been a terrible friend, but I don't want to be one any longer.

Find me.

I've sort of lost you,

somewhere down my spine

in between my third and fourth rib

you've sort of sunken in,

and for the first time 

in a long time

i've sort of lost myself too. 

Candlelight thoughts.

To be frank.
How much I want you, scares me.
You scare the absolute shit out of me.

It's not often that I'm enraptured by somebody's voice, their eyes, their smiles. I didn't think that you'd be the one to capture me, least of all someone like you. I warned myself not to fall, no, not to be drawn towards such a keen player of the game. Alpha and Alpha(sometimes Omega) and we can't deny this irrefutable bout of underlying passion that binds us together. And I can't deny you of claiming what you desire, not without denying myself of my own.

I can't stop you anymore,
and now i'm not sure if I want to at all.

Speed.

Cliche's aside,

you are my heroin

all powdery and broken and i'm 

a d d i c t e d

to your bowed head and sad smiles

breathe you in and let you rest

in the aching cavern 

between my 

r i b s

Midnight talks.

your nails rake days into my skin

marks of imprisonment in blotched red

scratches of a prisoner on stony walls

lines crossing with every touch

i'm a patchwork of need and you're what pulled me apart

shred my mask of pure intentions

sink me into velvet pleasures

drown me in your lips

where my name is lost

in the crevice between your ribs

He is temptation.

it's torture every time our eyes meet

my ribs contract and my breath evapourates

and i dream of the way your hands wander on my skin

sketching constellations with your fingertips

lips laced with heroine, tongue full of addiction

you're a sinner baby

thank god i'm a sinner too

you don't know what you're doing to me.

Sometimes I think.

and she longed to know if

in his mind, she was the only constant source

of late-night conversations and broken hearts

and if his voice

could still make fireworks go off

even in silence

Memorabilia.

you slip through my fingers;

a fleeting ghosts of memories--

time breathing last moments

broken by tears and screams

of pleas of pain and happiness

i loved

but now you stay in abyss

a fickering existence

frozen in the second hand

of the broken clock.

White Noise.

The sharp white screeches

blind me and I choke on acrid smoke

i can't seem to keep up

and everything is a blur

" can't hold on "

a tear rolls into the ocean

and i watch my reflection

fade with the setting sun.

RIP Mr. Riddell

They taught me how to hold a pen,

but you taught me how to write.

And the skies never sounded so beautiful,

except in between your decorated words.

I almost drowned into the ink-blotched pages,

but you pulled me out and told me to dive instead.

Your voice may be lost amongst the ocean breeze,

but your words will sear into the fleshy heart

f o r e v e r

You left me

There's nothing left to hold me back 

and this empty air i grasp pleads me

move on move on

but my feet are static and my toes

still remember how warm your duvet was

the heat of your breath

fading, fading into the chill

of the morning air

You're gone.

they didn't know where to go anymore

these l e t t e r s weak on their own

sentences strung together in empty space

like feathers

" birds of a flock "

you used to tell me, so insignificant

yet so significant

I miss your voice.

it's hard to hold on, when there's just so much to let go

so much to give up, so much to forego

I don't want to forget, I don't want to remember

the way your lips tasted against my skin.

End of the day.

She didn't like how he said goodbye,

all shaky words and watery eyes

because if he couldn't be strong either,

who was going to pick her up?

Never knew.

Would you still remember the way my eyes move,

firelight and starlight fluttering like moths,

and the way that my lips tasted of strawberries

in the midst of all the curling cigarette smoke,

the way your lips fit so perfectly in that little cavity

a pillow between my collarbone and neck,

my heartbeat pulsing and pushing against your tongue,

the way your fingers slide in so perfectly with mine

jigsaw-pieces stitched together with silver rings

numerals spinning with the tick of the stopwatch,

the way your breath rolled down my spine,

waves lapping up my thighs and rain with kisses

would you forget the whispers and sighs

the promises made every 11:11 the familiar tears

and would you remember the way my back arches

when you kiss me, the taste of clear spring water?

Not an artist.

If someone gave me a paintbrush and told 

me to paint my feelings onto a canvas,

i'd choose to paint the stars and the northern lights 

because I could never capture your smile the 

way you capture me and the stars are the 

closest thing to how bright you are

so don't burn out, not yet.

Ghost of you

Was i waiting for the whispers

echoes of your name rolling down starched lips

cracked, dried blood (i can feel you seeping 

into my pores) wedges in between

forcing them apart, but I was never really 

together anyway(?)

Dust motes are my only 

lovers at this time of night,

and you're fading.

Two different things.

You are like water and i am oil

.

Sometimes I would forget your existence

and instead chase after sober dreams, mere fragments

of thoughts and realities spun into a complex narrative

befitting for a true prince and princess of fairytales

.

we're forever apart

yet so perfectly together

Even if.

And even if forever was never,

i'd like to spend them in your arms,

even if forever was never, really, truly

enough.

I suppose

It's a new year, which means a new face, a new voice, a new attitude, a new life, a new me.

A new me, with the same old-and-broken-but-clumsily-fixed-together-heart