She hides her dreaming

I realize that the world doesn't really care if you are happy, sad, angry or afraid. It won't stop to wait for you when you get stuck in time. It won't slow down, rewind or fast forward even if you want it to. 

Life goes on, and we can't change it.

Therefore, even though I feel like i've tried my hardest and it's still not enough. Even though I work hard and things still go wrong. Even though I'm to blame,
I'm going to stay strong through it all because this is just another chapter of my life--another learning curve.

I won't be defeated.


Internal Battle.

(dedicated to one of my best friends)

She can't have you.
No, she can't. I don't care what you're about to say. I don't care what you're going to do about it but she can't have you. She can't have you because it's not fair. It's not fair for me because I've wanted you all this time and I try. I try, I really do. I come early to school everyday just to see you. I'm the last to leave the classroom because I want to be the last one to say goodbye so that you'll always remember me. I'm the one who wishes you good day everytime we walk past. I'm the one who notices the shirt you wear and how your tie matches your eyes and how you walk as though you own the world with that despicably adorable smirk of yours.


I don't care if she's beautiful, or smart, or intelligent. I don't care if you say that it's impossible because it's not. I don't care how many times you turn me down as long as I end up with you. I don't care if you're more than twice my age with a job. I don't care if you think i'm not old enough yet because I will be.
I will be everything you want me to be if that's what it takes. I'm the one who's been trying for so long. The one who cries every single night because you don't realize just how god damned beautiful you are. I'm the one who would die for you.

I'm the one who's loved you all this time.
It's not fair.
She can't have you.

She just can't.

"I'm sorry..."

I know.
That's why I can't have you either.



She's afraid,
one can see the tremble behind her words and that longing behind those eyes.

"I'm finished,"
she muttered, her voice barely a whisper.
Your hand twitches--just a little bit and your eyes glance at her,
[you don't know what it does to her heart
when you look at her like that]

"You're finished...?"
Was there more to it than she thought it was--that tiny flicker in that ocean of blue and that look,
that look that sent tremors throughout her entire body.


She would never be finished.


You have to read in between the lines
Hidden codes, sexual innuendos and little +'s scribbled on the bottom of the page between your name and my name--it all feels just right. I want to be lost in these words all typed up in size 12 sans-serif font (because I want you to notice me, yet I don't want you to notice that I want you to and so it's safe, you know?) and I know that you'll find me and pull me out of my daydream with that impatient click of your tongue and pointed eyes.
and so I did exactly that

You + Me = X
[I was never good at math.]


I'm still waiting

"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone..."

He looks at her; her flaxen, golden hair that
 shines like the ever-burning sun [1]
She looks at him; his turquoise eyes as
deep and cold as the pacific waves [2]
He tries a smile;she laughs breathlessly--
her petite frame shaking in laughter [3]
He wants to protect that girl; that beautiful,
feminine girl who lit a fire in his heart [4]

And in this fairytale, you are trying to steal the princess role,
when you're really just the witch trying to get in between them [5]

"I'll be waiting, all that's left to do is run..."

[1] my own mud-coloured locks are little to be proud of
[2] those eyes that washed me ashore
[3] whereas I have nothing but an expanse of sickening flesh
[4]and I tried to douse the flames
[5] It's not fair.

I was here first.

You may have won this battle

There's something more in that voice of yours. The way you say my name with that tiny, almost unnoticable tremor behind your words; it's pathetic. So pathetic the way my carefully built walls are reduced to nothing but piles of brick under your feet [please don't hurt my heart] leaving me completely open--open for invasion.
It's world war 3 over the control of my breath, my life, my heart and so far you're winning on the offensive,

but I don't quite mind,

because you have to know that I love you,
more than myself



Do you ever feel that one moment?
That single moment where your heart slows down into a decrescendo; your breathing feels lighter; your eyes grow larger as you swallow in the sounds and light around you--the beauty around you?
That one, perfect moment where everything and everything feels good and whole?


just look me in the eyes baby and take me to wonderland


Ghosts of me, ghosts of you

He's playing the piano again. 
Those long, slender fingers stroking the marble white and black--
[i dream of those fingers at night]
Some shaky, uncertain keys ringing through the air, as if asking a thousand questions--
[you need never ask me anything, i'd tell you all]
He closes his eyes and his chocolate lashes flutter as he tilts his head back--
[if only I could tell you how much I]
He opens his eyes, turns his head and smiles at me, his fingers stopping--
[that cocky, confident smirk makes my heart twist]

"How was that?" 
Green orbs staring through my soul and I feel like i'm suffocating.

He smiles and music fills the empty silence again.
"So beautiful," 
it was only just a whisper.


Mère, je suis désolé.

Her sharp nails pierce through her own thin, papery skin and draws velvet from her veins. 
Silent tears fall from her eyes and more velvet trickles where she bit her lip too hard to stop herself from crying out. Instead, it's best to be silent and face those disapproving eyes and never-ending pressure.

It's not like it doesn't hurt, you know?

So much velvet,
so much pain,
so much disappointment.

[i'm sorry mother, i'm sorry i was born]


Lego Bricks.

We're all made of colourful things, wonderful things,
just waiting to be pieced together one by one into a splendid work of art,
I trust your gentle fingers as they caress my pieces,
putting my heart back together.


Hold me.

I want that warmth,
that kind, healing, gentle warmth of the sun.
I want it to fill up the emptiness under my skin and run in rivers through my veins.
I want need that.


Oceans and Tides

If I can just one smile in a sea of sadness,
I'd float in it;
happiness is contagious--like a disease.

Hiding again.

It breaks my heart to see you lying to yourself.
Why do you pretend to be happy, smile, laugh, 
when deep down inside you feel like a million tears?
Rip that mask away,
feel the pain, feel the tears on your cheeks and feel the raw burn in your throat as you scream endlessly.
It's the only way to move on.

But then again, I'm not one to talk.
but that's just another one of my secrets


Because she loves him.

"Smile," he says, 
lifting the camera to peek through the little window of her soul

She bites her lip nervously, wondering what she should do.
He puts the camera down,
He looks hurt and she can't stand it.
"I... I forgot how to..."
she is almost embarassed.

He grins at her, lifts the camera up and says,
"Think about the person you like."
She closes her eyes and her lips slowly curl up

"There we go! Perfect!" 
He rushes off to develop the film.

She watches him disappear,
that tiny smile slowly fading.



Les Yeux

Eyes are the windows to the soul and his doorways are a dull chestnut brown 
yet your eyes could never be as deep or as captivating as his. 

You try to catch the tiniest flicker of his attention but you just end up staring down at your shoes and draw little pictures on the ground with the crayons of your mind. 
Maybe he thinks you're weird--
You're just being paranoid. 

It's cute, he says, how you don't realize how much he loves you 
and how you don't know that 

he can't take his eyes off you.


No more tears.

She's screaming your name.
It's not like you don't notice that desperate cry
She sees the way your eyelids flicker nervously and the way your lips--the very same lips you used to kiss her goodbye--tremble with pain.

"Don't go! We can work this out! It's not supposed to happen like this!"'

Happy New Year

I need to escape.
I need to learn how to fall, break, bleed and crawl on my raw knees,
I need to learn how to scramble, struggle and stand on my own two feet,
I need to learn how to wipe the tears away and force out a smile.
I need to get out,
get out of this bubble that I've been put in all my life

because I just need to live.