Risky.

I never planned on falling in love with him, or to use him to fill up the vast emptiness inside my heart. I was only hoping that a part of me could be healed if I could put him back together.

Love came later--much later and only after I knew about his passion for art--and in the flash of summer heat, I found myself always setting the dinner table with two plates and two wine glasses.

Fear is believing.

it's a long way down, she said

so jump and fall, he said

but i'm afraid, she said

i'll catch you, he said

but I'll break, she said

that's okay, he said

because it means that you're still human.

One.

i want to get out of here to melt into the wall

like lavender candle-wax flickering and sinking into cold concrete

your fingers feel like caresses and i love every swirl beneath them

did you know darling, that without you here summer feels like 

winter and winter feels even colder

Autumn love.

before autumn leaves smoke themselves dry 

tell me how long you're going to 

love me for

Lock my heart.

My diary is full of you

scribbles, letters, curling with your name

and my pen is getting tired of the commas

because i'm too afraid to put a full stop.

The story of us

And your name s i n k s
into my skin--its ice on a furnace
hot, hot, hot like your lips on mine

searing those promises
deep into my b o n e s
stealing away every breath of mine

with you,
i don't need air.

Taken.

his lips promise spring

and he tastes dewdrops--

dwelling in love petals

budding like roses

flowering in its simplicity

i n n o c e n t

no more.

I think i'm going mad.

You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You.
You.
Me.

Forever.

Desire.

and with a flutter of lashes

she set his heart on fire

and he burnt like a moth crashing into the flame

and you will never know

because I will never tell

and for all downcast eyes

demure from sinful lies

hides a girl broken

ripped ap--art by you

and you will never know.

3AM

And she tells me to write between the lines

to confine myself between barriers

broken down into words

not slanted, but p e r f e c t

i'm tired of being perfect.

Wash me away.

there are meteor showers in your eyes

and i'm a desert around you

drinking in your oceans

but the tide is low and you're gravitating

towards the eclipsing moon

 [ maybe i am crazy and maybe you don't know

and maybe you will never but you need to know

that i need you ]

so don't go

pleasepleaseplease

i fucking need you

here

( dedicated to juniper
it's been a while )

To be a bird.

shooting down like a fallen star

" poor broken little bird "

losing flight feather by feather

and I cry in fearful trills

of unknown eyes and forced wills

forget me, for I want to forget you

those eyes demanding songs of joy

perfection in the midst of agony

so i sing i sing i sing and i cry

for the yearning light and the endless sky.

(inspired by "i know why the caged bird sings"-Maya Angelou)

Tapping on my heart.

and fingers tap the windowpane

keeping time with my heartbeat

tap ta-tap tap ta-tap tap

and when you smile

sometimes i skip a count,

just to let you sink in

Little flakes of thought,

Human life is fragile, fleet and disappears within years. How quickly do we lose the rosy hue in our cheeks when we die, when we rot away inside our bodies and finally our soul gives up struggling for the essence of survival, the means of living in this world? But is this our world? Do we have the right to live in this world, in this plane of existence?

I don’t think so.

We are shadows, mere shadows dodging the footsteps of the fleeting ghost of existence. We are mere illusions, torn between reality and fiction. We are not alive. 

 

We do not live in this world, nor do we belong but only do the creatures who we belittle are truly the last snowflakes of winter. We are the storm that rides and rages over this planet and once we have led destruction to the very end, we move on. Like storms, we move on to another planet, destroying, ripping apart and we shield the truth from our younger generation’s eyes by feeding them illusions and we create fantasies for them to live and thrive in, happy and not caring about the wretch we call human life. The very essence of life does not lie within us, being the bastards we are. All we can do is dodge life’s footsteps, like mere shadows. 

 

And like mere shadows, we fade away, screaming and fighting to stay there but the light always finds a way to kill us off.

6 senses.

y  o  u 

smell of {temptation}

taste of {frustration}

look like {possession}

sound like {jealousy}

feel like {desire}

and i sense l o v e.

wanderlust.

they asked me where i was going and i cried never never land

fat dreams rolling down my collar bone and transforming into wings

hanging off my fingertips like dead weight

"think happy thoughts"

the words wrap around me like a python

gently squeezing, gently suffocating

and with this I jump--

because pixie dust is overrated.

First time.

i remember being captured

by your pliant lips cold as fire

and held--strung across your heart

beating me with wild pulses 

i hope you dream of me tonight.

You are the funeral of love

flushed cheeks faded long ago into ice

and you and your secret sensuous innocence

glass walls trapping sunlight in darkened eyes

onyx black swallowing me whole

vile kisses with sinful lips

devour my heart with delicious lies and promises

though i know love is dead in those lustful eyes

my heart still bears fruit of your name

whispering into the rising dusk

to me, to me, mon amor, to me

and so

if every breath was a wish, 

i'd give you all of me.

(revised and rewritten)

Rent.

my heart is the empty room

you took over without permission

made it your home

fluffed up the cushions

painted the walls

and spilled coffee on the floor

listening to old 80's music

and now I can't live without your colour

For I am unwanted.

like a rose

you grow

 entwine around my ribs

and crawl up my sternum

to wrap tightly around my heart

intoxicate me with your scent

poison me with your beauty

and stab me with your thorns

dripping with burning sin

and i nestle

like a weed

in between your leaves

to find the soothing shade i crave

and seek your delicious poison

feed on our sins

like the desperate tormentor i am

useless and dangerous

green with envy

holding on

like a lifeline

Because I am autumn.

autumn leaves tremble under your fingertips

and they b r e a k

falling and fading into

nothingness

but in your arms i am something

[warm&

fragile&

vulnerable&]

maybe I don't mind

breaking.

My love, I fly.

Because in my dreams I can fly

so I fly to you, amor meus

[ my love ]

beating hard with charred wings

i hold on to the unforgiving wind, ardor meus

[ my passion]

the shackles are burning reality into my ankles, 

but i keep running--i run to you, vita mea

[ my life ]

over oceans of broken glass i may fall

but i will fly, to you

Aevum, amor meus

[ forever, my love ]

Because.

i love you

in the way that i don't understand

i don't love you in the way others love you

but i do love you the way i love certain things

i love you as beauty is to be loved

in kind words, kind eyes, kind lips

there is beauty in your kindness

that i love

i love you as secrets are to be loved

in the shadows, corners, darkness of the soul

there are mysteries in your whispers

that i love

and i love you as lovers are to be loved

in whispers, sighs and pleasure

there is contentment in your warmth

that i love

but truthfully

i don't understand how to love

not in the way you love me

but in the way i love you

that i do, love.

Painkiller.

it hurts

and every kiss, planting roses, you press

down the roads of my neck

leave me b r e a t h l e s s

and you're my aphrodisiac

all glorious nectar clinging to thirsty tongues

and i drink in you,

as you drink in me

and drain my innocence

like blood.

leaving me empty, empty, empty,

and nothing but roses to hold onto.

Empty hands.

calm your stormy heart

and pull together the stitches

that held apart the dreams so painful

this glass-heart you hold in trembling hands

you can't dream because you have lost

but

calm dreams won't return to stormy hearts

and cease those dreamless nights

let the ashes of your heart

rise to meet the salty foams

that wash away your tearful sighs

and let your lips meet his ocean eyes

then kiss the crossroads on his brow

and tread along that dusty road

and 

leave footprints on his

sullen heart

and let the waves

wash hers behind

For stars can't hide your smiles

pluck me, for i'm simply strung, 

all string and heartstring for you to cut across

with sickly sweetened words and soothing tones

leave me voiceless, action-less,

[ yet so much more ]

Phosphenes dances across deserts

and crash-lands in your eyes

and you're in every one of my dreams

" kiss me goodnight "

it's not possible to love you more than now

and forever

I love you as dark things are to be loved...

Te amo como se aman ciertas cosa oscuras,  secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

And sometimes it gets hard to breathe around you, when your fingers trace letters into the palm of my hands and your eyes whisper tantalizing secrets into my heart. When your warm breath plays around my earlobes and your chest thumping love into my back. My body you say, my curves are beautiful but what I find most beautiful are your artists' fingers -- softening the harsh edges of my being. Melting my demeanor into nothing but shadow, satin and water, child's play for you.

Break me, for I'm yours.

Midnight fears.

"no, don't go!" she cried emptily, her neptune eyes brimming with oceans of sorrow. "please don't go yet, i have so much more to give you, so much more to say!" her scars of loneliness caves down her arms and circles around her heart, beating in time with the tears pulsating down her jaw. She throws her head into comforting warmth and soothes her throbbing head with gentle caresses but her chest, her chest wouldn't stop breaking in two.

The walls were silent.

Sweet Serenity

and an echoing calmness envelops us in the sky tonight, wrapping around us is every star and every nebula of cloudy dreams. to lie with you in this moment, we cling to the heavens where meteors dash across the sky and across your lovely eyes. To entangle myself within you is to feel heartbeats vibrating through my fingertips. I want you more than the skies and the oceans and you're enchanting but you're real and in this moment I can touch infinite happiness. we are infinite. we are forever.

No more journeys.

i'm just tired of looking down an empty road

leaving footprints in scattered greying dust

walking along yellow borderlines

between the truth and lies

and dodging the accusing traffic lights

because you can see.

i run into your arms

and i fall into your eyes

drown in your multitude of frozen dreams

wild desires, and bitter lies.

your kisses spread like wildfire,

and the ocean pools in those eyes,

those heaven-sent illusory celestial orbs

that see me through, right through my disguise.

d o n ' t . l o o k . a t . m e

breathless realization.

and you're the lunar eclipse i burn midnight oil for

because your light sears my fingertips and my lips

with promises of love, lust, beautiful lies

you whisper seductive dreams into my heart

and press butterfly kisses on every broken wall.

can i trust you?

[  s t e a l   m y   h e a r t   a w a y  ]

you show me visions of long summer days

where you hold me and waltz to the singing winds

songs of sorrow, songs of love, songs of tomorrow

and of what could have been if you-

if you hadn't been tempted to kiss her too-

and yet,

i still love you

i forgive you

[ b  r  o  k  e  n]

but what is love to a moon who only hides in shadow

and eclipses from my reaching fingertips

do you love me?

She falls too quickly.

she falls too quickly

because falling is all she's ever known

and to fall is to learn how to crawl back up

until bloodied knees and blooded hearts

bleed no longer.

the haze of a mans' love

has long ago dissipated with cold, cruel cutting wind

r  e  j  e  c  t  i  o  n

for such hallucinations can only be stopped

by the medicine of his heavenly kisses

f  a  l  s  e  h  o  p  e

and as drying autumn leaves fall

she shall fall too

she falls too quickly

because falling is all she's ever known

and to fall, to be picked up, to be held,

actually frightens her just that little bit,

because falling in love with him

doesn't hurt.

"i'm scared..."

dedicated to my mate Bethany

i hate friends with benefits.

you

despicable, disgusting, flirtatious you.

if you asked me if i'd do it all over again, 

i'd reply with a resounding "yes"

just to remember what it was that drew me to you

in the first place, what made me fall so hard,

and to tell myself that it's not worth it

because you

took the pieces of me and scattered them

across the soothing oceans

and now when i'm broken once again

you offer to pick me up from the unforgiving waves

and offer your sinful lips to heal my wounds

if you asked me if i'd do it all over again

i'd reply with a fearful "no"

because you've already dirtied me.

I tried.

you're a constellation all your own

and i dream of carving mountains under my skin

just so you'd know how high i'd climb

just to touch your stars

but the pain stops me from trying.

The power of listening.

You've seen her. 

Perhaps you've never acknowledged her existence and perhaps you never even knew her name. But she's there and she's always been there. She's not "beautiful", or "sexy" or "perfect" in any way. She dances at the corner of your eye and she was always standing in the background of photographs. Never in front, never taking the limelight away from others. Her family oppresses her and she didn't have a multitude of friends and she never went to any parties (nor was she invited to any). Some people told her that she wasn't enough and that she would never be enough and some people avoided her and some people, some people kept bringing her down. 

You've seen her.

But you haven't seen her.

You haven't seen the way her eyes light up and dance at the mention of literature. You haven't seen the way her pen skids across paper, curvaceous, tempting onyx ink seeping through the white. You haven't seen the way words seem to burst from her fingertips and the way they dance and open doorways into worlds never ventured before. You haven't seen her talk about her dreams and ambitions, her face settling in determination at the thought of proving everyone wrong. You haven't seen her face soften, eyes glowing with passion at the thought of her loved one. You haven't seen the way she's planning her future with those she loves and the freedom from all the oppression she battles everyday.

And that one thing, that one single thought kept her alive..She loved him and soon enough he will grow to love her because she loved him and will continue to love him for as long as she lived. She knew that this was a fact and that it was true. She knew that no one but her few friends would ever understand.

You've seen her.

And soon enough, you will hear her.

Because sometimes just seeing things, isn't always enough.

dedicated to juniper <3

and you will never.

she loves the silence

the way it hangs heavy like oceans of expectations

drowning her in their multitudes of 

"you are never good enough

you will never be good enough"

each breath taken is like drawing knives across porcelain

and each underlying bruise is like crushing blossoming flowers 

"i am never good enough

i will never be good enough"

Silliness.

she laughs in my mind

and she won't stop laughing

it's funny, my feelings, it's funny.

i loved you

i loved you

it's funny isn't it?

i love you

and how do you know when you're losing yourself?

Dried roses.

You  s i n g  to me in oceans

and i press your blossom into my crevices

temptress you are, lips moving to tides,

washing away my sorrow, my regrets

my pride.

heartbeat.

you're the flatline I fear the most,

the one existence that causes everything to cease working,

the one to make my heart degenerate over and over again.

Why can't I stop thinking of you?

It's almost killing me.

But she is.

She's an artist, he says,

looking at the world through the eyes of a painter.

What a sad, sad world it is--

so she tries to fill it with colour

but she can't seem to keep within the lines.

Incubus.

he speaks in riddles and

she's tired of solving problems

that others plant in her hair

like daisies in a field

" stop it "

she whispers to the silence

darkness engulfing her prayers

and spitting out her nightmares.

Letter 07: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Dear You,

beautiful, cruel you,

I used to love the idea of you,

your fingers tangled in mine,

soft lips pressing to the curve of my throat,

whispering how you wanted me.

Then you took my black marker

and dotted a short line down my sternum

guidelines, you'd said, to take my heart

and then laughed, kissing me.

Who knew that a few weeks later,

you did exactly that

-

and left me broken.

Loved,

Me.

As long as the ending is the same.

he was my last goodbye,

[ b r e a k ]

he was my first hello.

sometimes the journey doesn't matter

Maiden's Bay.

she lashes out at the tides,

ocean eyes drying up in their cracks,

tears dragging themselves away from the edge,

where fluttering eyelashes tear at the wind

it's hard to cry,

she had always said,

with the clumsy wind in your eyes

Author's Note

Lack of creativity due to exams - will be revived soon.

She's tired of your lies.

forgive me love, 

forgive me, forgive him, forgive us but--

champagne flutes stopped singing love songs

our soundtrack faded into overcast silence long ago

(and that broken red radio needs to go)

it was the only musical warmth you offered me.

She cries again tonight.

I crawl underneath the opaque luminescent canvas stretched over your wrist

you caress with glorified secrets, scarlet lines tangled like telephone wires

communication never works one way honey

A   N   D

neither does love

Fragmented dreams.

I capture flickering shadows

and hang them above my heart

smiles withering like broken flowers

eyes haunted by the eclipsing sun

"a storm is coming"

"yes."

Lips sweeter than honey.

your smile hangs over me like the december mist

i feel something bloom inside my barren heart

temptation beckons to me with a sultry smile

I push down my glass walls and roll out the welcome mat

[" please, come in, make yourself at home "]

sometimes i look into my reflection and whisper,

"stupid, stupid girl."

Improvisation.

He wasn't a conformist and

he didn't want to understand art,

(his colours never stay inside the lines)

but he understands me.

he can feel when I'm breaking,

jagged cracks running down my heart,

eyes wrestling to hold back

pools and oceans. 

he knows that i never cry,

e v e r

except for him.

Devil-may-care

i'll waste away saturday nights with

insights into how cavalier I used to be;

that instant, perfect moment of insanity,

echoing with silent apathy,

i close my eyes

and the world fades away.