I never planned on falling in love with him, or to use him to fill up the vast emptiness inside my heart. I was only hoping that a part of me could be healed if I could put him back together.

Love came later--much later and only after I knew about his passion for art--and in the flash of summer heat, I found myself always setting the dinner table with two plates and two wine glasses.


Fear is believing.

it's a long way down, she said
so jump and fall, he said
but i'm afraid, she said
i'll catch you, he said
but I'll break, she said
that's okay, he said

because it means that you're still human.



i want to get out of here to melt into the wall
like lavender candle-wax flickering and sinking into cold concrete
your fingers feel like caresses and i love every swirl beneath them

did you know darling, that without you here summer feels like 
winter and winter feels even colder


Autumn love.

before autumn leaves smoke themselves dry 
tell me how long you're going to 
love me for


Lock my heart.

My diary is full of you
scribbles, letters, curling with your name
and my pen is getting tired of the commas

because i'm too afraid to put a full stop.


The story of us

And your name s i n k s
into my skin--its ice on a furnace
hot, hot, hot like your lips on mine

searing those promises
deep into my b o n e s
stealing away every breath of mine

with you,
i don't need air.



his lips promise spring
and he tastes dewdrops--
dwelling in love petals
budding like roses
flowering in its simplicity

i n n o c e n t
no more.


I think i'm going mad.

You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You.




and with a flutter of lashes
she set his heart on fire
and he burnt like a moth crashing into the flame


and you will never know
because I will never tell
and for all downcast eyes
demure from sinful lies
hides a girl broken
ripped ap--art by you

and you will never know.



And she tells me to write between the lines
to confine myself between barriers
broken down into words
not slanted, but p e r f e c t

i'm tired of being perfect.

Wash me away.

there are meteor showers in your eyes
and i'm a desert around you
drinking in your oceans
but the tide is low and you're gravitating
towards the eclipsing moon

 [ maybe i am crazy and maybe you don't know
and maybe you will never but you need to know
that i need you ]

so don't go
i fucking need you

( dedicated to juniper
it's been a while )


To be a bird.

shooting down like a fallen star
" poor broken little bird "
losing flight feather by feather
and I cry in fearful trills

of unknown eyes and forced wills
forget me, for I want to forget you
those eyes demanding songs of joy
perfection in the midst of agony

so i sing i sing i sing and i cry
for the yearning light and the endless sky.

(inspired by "i know why the caged bird sings"-Maya Angelou)


Tapping on my heart.

and fingers tap the windowpane
keeping time with my heartbeat
tap ta-tap tap ta-tap tap

and when you smile
sometimes i skip a count,
just to let you sink in


Little flakes of thought,

Human life is fragile, fleet and disappears within years. How quickly do we lose the rosy hue in our cheeks when we die, when we rot away inside our bodies and finally our soul gives up struggling for the essence of survival, the means of living in this world? But is this our world? Do we have the right to live in this world, in this plane of existence?

I don’t think so.

We are shadows, mere shadows dodging the footsteps of the fleeting ghost of existence. We are mere illusions, torn between reality and fiction. We are not alive. 
We do not live in this world, nor do we belong but only do the creatures who we belittle are truly the last snowflakes of winter. We are the storm that rides and rages over this planet and once we have led destruction to the very end, we move on. Like storms, we move on to another planet, destroying, ripping apart and we shield the truth from our younger generation’s eyes by feeding them illusions and we create fantasies for them to live and thrive in, happy and not caring about the wretch we call human life. The very essence of life does not lie within us, being the bastards we are. All we can do is dodge life’s footsteps, like mere shadows. 
And like mere shadows, we fade away, screaming and fighting to stay there but the light always finds a way to kill us off.


6 senses.

y  o  u 
smell of {temptation}
taste of {frustration}
look like {possession}
sound like {jealousy}
feel like {desire}

and i sense l o v e.



they asked me where i was going and i cried never never land
fat dreams rolling down my collar bone and transforming into wings
hanging off my fingertips like dead weight

"think happy thoughts"

the words wrap around me like a python
gently squeezing, gently suffocating
and with this I jump--
because pixie dust is overrated.


First time.

i remember being captured
by your pliant lips cold as fire
and held--strung across your heart
beating me with wild pulses 

i hope you dream of me tonight.

You are the funeral of love

flushed cheeks faded long ago into ice
and you and your secret sensuous innocence
glass walls trapping sunlight in darkened eyes
onyx black swallowing me whole
vile kisses with sinful lips

devour my heart with delicious lies and promises
though i know love is dead in those lustful eyes
my heart still bears fruit of your name
whispering into the rising dusk
to me, to me, mon amor, to me

and so
if every breath was a wish, 
i'd give you all of me.

(revised and rewritten)



my heart is the empty room
you took over without permission
made it your home
fluffed up the cushions
painted the walls
and spilled coffee on the floor
listening to old 80's music

and now I can't live without your colour


For I am unwanted.

like a rose
you grow
 entwine around my ribs
and crawl up my sternum
to wrap tightly around my heart
intoxicate me with your scent
poison me with your beauty
and stab me with your thorns
dripping with burning sin

and i nestle
like a weed
in between your leaves
to find the soothing shade i crave
and seek your delicious poison
feed on our sins
like the desperate tormentor i am
useless and dangerous
green with envy

holding on
like a lifeline


Because I am autumn.

autumn leaves tremble under your fingertips

and they b r e a k
falling and fading into


but in your arms i am something


maybe I don't mind


My love, I fly.

Because in my dreams I can fly
so I fly to you, amor meus
[ my love ]
beating hard with charred wings
i hold on to the unforgiving wind, ardor meus
[ my passion]
the shackles are burning reality into my ankles, 
but i keep running--i run to you, vita mea
[ my life ]
over oceans of broken glass i may fall
but i will fly, to you

Aevum, amor meus
[ forever, my love ]



i love you
in the way that i don't understand
i don't love you in the way others love you
but i do love you the way i love certain things

i love you as beauty is to be loved
in kind words, kind eyes, kind lips
there is beauty in your kindness
that i love

i love you as secrets are to be loved
in the shadows, corners, darkness of the soul
there are mysteries in your whispers
that i love

and i love you as lovers are to be loved
in whispers, sighs and pleasure
there is contentment in your warmth
that i love

but truthfully
i don't understand how to love
not in the way you love me
but in the way i love you

that i do, love.



it hurts
and every kiss, planting roses, you press
down the roads of my neck
leave me b r e a t h l e s s

and you're my aphrodisiac
all glorious nectar clinging to thirsty tongues
and i drink in you,
as you drink in me

and drain my innocence
like blood.
leaving me empty, empty, empty,
and nothing but roses to hold onto.


Empty hands.

calm your stormy heart
and pull together the stitches
that held apart the dreams so painful
this glass-heart you hold in trembling hands
you can't dream because you have lost
calm dreams won't return to stormy hearts
and cease those dreamless nights

let the ashes of your heart
rise to meet the salty foams
that wash away your tearful sighs
and let your lips meet his ocean eyes
then kiss the crossroads on his brow
and tread along that dusty road
leave footprints on his
sullen heart

and let the waves
wash hers behind


For stars can't hide your smiles

pluck me, for i'm simply strung, 
all string and heartstring for you to cut across
with sickly sweetened words and soothing tones
leave me voiceless, action-less,
[ yet so much more ]
Phosphenes dances across deserts
and crash-lands in your eyes
and you're in every one of my dreams
" kiss me goodnight "

it's not possible to love you more than now
and forever


I love you as dark things are to be loved...

Te amo como se aman ciertas cosa oscuras,  secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
And sometimes it gets hard to breathe around you, when your fingers trace letters into the palm of my hands and your eyes whisper tantalizing secrets into my heart. When your warm breath plays around my earlobes and your chest thumping love into my back. My body you say, my curves are beautiful but what I find most beautiful are your artists' fingers -- softening the harsh edges of my being. Melting my demeanor into nothing but shadow, satin and water, child's play for you.

Break me, for I'm yours.


Midnight fears.

"no, don't go!" she cried emptily, her neptune eyes brimming with oceans of sorrow. "please don't go yet, i have so much more to give you, so much more to say!" her scars of loneliness caves down her arms and circles around her heart, beating in time with the tears pulsating down her jaw. She throws her head into comforting warmth and soothes her throbbing head with gentle caresses but her chest, her chest wouldn't stop breaking in two.

The walls were silent.


Sweet Serenity

and an echoing calmness envelops us in the sky tonight, wrapping around us is every star and every nebula of cloudy dreams. to lie with you in this moment, we cling to the heavens where meteors dash across the sky and across your lovely eyes. To entangle myself within you is to feel heartbeats vibrating through my fingertips. I want you more than the skies and the oceans and you're enchanting but you're real and in this moment I can touch infinite happiness. we are infinite. we are forever.


No more journeys.

i'm just tired of looking down an empty road
leaving footprints in scattered greying dust
walking along yellow borderlines
between the truth and lies
and dodging the accusing traffic lights


because you can see.

i run into your arms
and i fall into your eyes
drown in your multitude of frozen dreams
wild desires, and bitter lies.

your kisses spread like wildfire,
and the ocean pools in those eyes,
those heaven-sent illusory celestial orbs
that see me through, right through my disguise.

d o n ' t . l o o k . a t . m e


breathless realization.

and you're the lunar eclipse i burn midnight oil for
because your light sears my fingertips and my lips
with promises of love, lust, beautiful lies
you whisper seductive dreams into my heart
and press butterfly kisses on every broken wall.
can i trust you?

[  s t e a l   m y   h e a r t   a w a y  ]

you show me visions of long summer days
where you hold me and waltz to the singing winds
songs of sorrow, songs of love, songs of tomorrow
and of what could have been if you-
if you hadn't been tempted to kiss her too-

and yet,
i still love you
i forgive you

[ b  r  o  k  e  n]

but what is love to a moon who only hides in shadow
and eclipses from my reaching fingertips
do you love me?


She falls too quickly.

she falls too quickly
because falling is all she's ever known
and to fall is to learn how to crawl back up
until bloodied knees and blooded hearts
bleed no longer.

the haze of a mans' love
has long ago dissipated with cold, cruel cutting wind
r  e  j  e  c  t  i  o  n
for such hallucinations can only be stopped
by the medicine of his heavenly kisses
f  a  l  s  e  h  o  p  e
and as drying autumn leaves fall
she shall fall too

she falls too quickly
because falling is all she's ever known
and to fall, to be picked up, to be held,
actually frightens her just that little bit,
because falling in love with him
doesn't hurt.

"i'm scared..."

dedicated to my mate Bethany

i hate friends with benefits.


despicable, disgusting, flirtatious you.
if you asked me if i'd do it all over again, 
i'd reply with a resounding "yes"

just to remember what it was that drew me to you
in the first place, what made me fall so hard,
and to tell myself that it's not worth it

because you
took the pieces of me and scattered them
across the soothing oceans

and now when i'm broken once again
you offer to pick me up from the unforgiving waves
and offer your sinful lips to heal my wounds

if you asked me if i'd do it all over again
i'd reply with a fearful "no"
because you've already dirtied me.


I tried.

you're a constellation all your own
and i dream of carving mountains under my skin
just so you'd know how high i'd climb
just to touch your stars

but the pain stops me from trying.


The power of listening.

You've seen her. 

Perhaps you've never acknowledged her existence and perhaps you never even knew her name. But she's there and she's always been there. She's not "beautiful", or "sexy" or "perfect" in any way. She dances at the corner of your eye and she was always standing in the background of photographs. Never in front, never taking the limelight away from others. Her family oppresses her and she didn't have a multitude of friends and she never went to any parties (nor was she invited to any). Some people told her that she wasn't enough and that she would never be enough and some people avoided her and some people, some people kept bringing her down. 

You've seen her.
But you haven't seen her.

You haven't seen the way her eyes light up and dance at the mention of literature. You haven't seen the way her pen skids across paper, curvaceous, tempting onyx ink seeping through the white. You haven't seen the way words seem to burst from her fingertips and the way they dance and open doorways into worlds never ventured before. You haven't seen her talk about her dreams and ambitions, her face settling in determination at the thought of proving everyone wrong. You haven't seen her face soften, eyes glowing with passion at the thought of her loved one. You haven't seen the way she's planning her future with those she loves and the freedom from all the oppression she battles everyday.

And that one thing, that one single thought kept her alive..She loved him and soon enough he will grow to love her because she loved him and will continue to love him for as long as she lived. She knew that this was a fact and that it was true. She knew that no one but her few friends would ever understand.

You've seen her.
And soon enough, you will hear her.
Because sometimes just seeing things, isn't always enough.

dedicated to juniper <3

and you will never.

she loves the silence
the way it hangs heavy like oceans of expectations
drowning her in their multitudes of 
"you are never good enough
you will never be good enough"

each breath taken is like drawing knives across porcelain
and each underlying bruise is like crushing blossoming flowers 
"i am never good enough
i will never be good enough"



she laughs in my mind
and she won't stop laughing
it's funny, my feelings, it's funny.
i loved you
i loved you
it's funny isn't it?
i love you

and how do you know when you're losing yourself?

Dried roses.

You  s i n g  to me in oceans
and i press your blossom into my crevices
temptress you are, lips moving to tides,
washing away my sorrow, my regrets

my pride.



you're the flatline I fear the most,
the one existence that causes everything to cease working,
the one to make my heart degenerate over and over again.

Why can't I stop thinking of you?
It's almost killing me.


But she is.

She's an artist, he says,
looking at the world through the eyes of a painter.
What a sad, sad world it is--
so she tries to fill it with colour
but she can't seem to keep within the lines.



he speaks in riddles and
she's tired of solving problems
that others plant in her hair
like daisies in a field

" stop it "

she whispers to the silence
darkness engulfing her prayers
and spitting out her nightmares.


Letter 07: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Dear You,
beautiful, cruel you,

I used to love the idea of you,
your fingers tangled in mine,
soft lips pressing to the curve of my throat,
whispering how you wanted me.

Then you took my black marker
and dotted a short line down my sternum
guidelines, you'd said, to take my heart
and then laughed, kissing me.

Who knew that a few weeks later,
you did exactly that
and left me broken.



Maiden's Bay.

she lashes out at the tides,
ocean eyes drying up in their cracks,
tears dragging themselves away from the edge,
where fluttering eyelashes tear at the wind

it's hard to cry,
she had always said,
with the clumsy wind in your eyes



She's tired of your lies.

forgive me love
forgive me, forgive him, forgive us but--
champagne flutes stopped singing love songs
our soundtrack faded into overcast silence long ago
(and that broken red radio needs to go)

it was the only musical warmth you offered me.


She cries again tonight.

I crawl underneath the opaque luminescent canvas stretched over your wrist
you caress with glorified secrets, scarlet lines tangled like telephone wires
communication never works one way honey
A   N   D
neither does love


Fragmented dreams.

I capture flickering shadows
and hang them above my heart
smiles withering like broken flowers
eyes haunted by the eclipsing sun

"a storm is coming"


Lips sweeter than honey.

your smile hangs over me like the december mist
i feel something bloom inside my barren heart

temptation beckons to me with a sultry smile
I push down my glass walls and roll out the welcome mat
[" please, come in, make yourself at home "]

sometimes i look into my reflection and whisper,
"stupid, stupid girl."


He wasn't a conformist and
he didn't want to understand art,
(his colours never stay inside the lines)
but he understands me.

he can feel when I'm breaking,
jagged cracks running down my heart,
eyes wrestling to hold back
pools and oceans. 

he knows that i never cry,
e v e r
except for him.



i'll waste away saturday nights with
insights into how cavalier I used to be;
that instant, perfect moment of insanity,
echoing with silent apathy,

i close my eyes
and the world fades away.