Lost to myself.

It's so unbelievably painful to read words that cut right into your heart. 

The most painful of them being words coming from those you hold dear to your heart. I was a fool for focusing too much on myself, too much of me and I never could truly reason with the idea that maybe others are suffering too--just as badly, or worst. They spoke but I never listened, I watched but I never saw. I always thought I could understand others but what more can I do when I can't even understand the feelings of my friends? What help can I offer when I can't even understand the hurt I cause be it intentional or unintentional but both are just as bad as each other for ignorance is a sin and I'm a sinner.

There's only so many "sorry"s that one can say and with each one, the meaning behind it fades and rots away like decaying hearts left out to dry out and shrivel. I can't help but feel that my "sorry"s just taste like ashes in someones mouth. But what else can I offer but my tears, raw and real and so very painful. I could cry oceans knowing what I've done, what i've been doing to others and never truly understanding the consequences of my actions. 

My own insecurities, my own sadness, my own pain and pleasures and everything I thought was something I could share with them...my friends...I was so, utterly, wrong. I've never hated myself until this particular moment, to think that I've caused enough sadness until those I care about started turning to other means of dealing with the pain I've handed to them on a silver platter. I was selfish. I was blind. How could I not see the things that I've been able to clearly seen before? How could my own pain and sadness render me completely oblivious to the people around me?

No words can describe the pain inside my heart. Not only have I loved you, her, them, for years on end but I have stood by them, laughed with them, cried with them and grew with them and all those years of ignorant bliss now comes back to strike me in the face. I can't believe I was so naive. I can't believe that I caused so much pain. Never have I felt like the most useless person in the world as I do now. How could I be so stupid... 

If I could take away all the pain that I've caused, all the sadness that you feel, all the nightmares and constant self-doubting and hurt that you go through everyday. All the scars. I would. I would take them all away, even at the cost of my own worthless life. I cared too much about my own wounds and forgot to tend to the wounds of those I love. How can I call myself a friend now? 

Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.

How can I fix this. I want to fix this. 

I can only hope now that it's not too late to do so.

Please let me show you that you do mean something, that you ARE worth something, that you do have a purpose on this Earth. I have no idea how on earth I will achieve this but I promise you that I will and that I will never, ever forget.

I may have been a terrible friend, but I don't want to be one any longer.