Balloon.

she wants to let go of the things that hold her down

but she can’t help but want to stay grounded

because blood runs thinner than water and 

I’m tired about lying of not thinking of you

Lost to myself.

It's so unbelievably painful to read words that cut right into your heart. 

The most painful of them being words coming from those you hold dear to your heart. I was a fool for focusing too much on myself, too much of me and I never could truly reason with the idea that maybe others are suffering too--just as badly, or worst. They spoke but I never listened, I watched but I never saw. I always thought I could understand others but what more can I do when I can't even understand the feelings of my friends? What help can I offer when I can't even understand the hurt I cause be it intentional or unintentional but both are just as bad as each other for ignorance is a sin and I'm a sinner.

There's only so many "sorry"s that one can say and with each one, the meaning behind it fades and rots away like decaying hearts left out to dry out and shrivel. I can't help but feel that my "sorry"s just taste like ashes in someones mouth. But what else can I offer but my tears, raw and real and so very painful. I could cry oceans knowing what I've done, what i've been doing to others and never truly understanding the consequences of my actions. 

My own insecurities, my own sadness, my own pain and pleasures and everything I thought was something I could share with them...my friends...I was so, utterly, wrong. I've never hated myself until this particular moment, to think that I've caused enough sadness until those I care about started turning to other means of dealing with the pain I've handed to them on a silver platter. I was selfish. I was blind. How could I not see the things that I've been able to clearly seen before? How could my own pain and sadness render me completely oblivious to the people around me?

No words can describe the pain inside my heart. Not only have I loved you, her, them, for years on end but I have stood by them, laughed with them, cried with them and grew with them and all those years of ignorant bliss now comes back to strike me in the face. I can't believe I was so naive. I can't believe that I caused so much pain. Never have I felt like the most useless person in the world as I do now. How could I be so stupid... 

If I could take away all the pain that I've caused, all the sadness that you feel, all the nightmares and constant self-doubting and hurt that you go through everyday. All the scars. I would. I would take them all away, even at the cost of my own worthless life. I cared too much about my own wounds and forgot to tend to the wounds of those I love. How can I call myself a friend now? 

Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.

How can I fix this. I want to fix this. 

I can only hope now that it's not too late to do so.

Please let me show you that you do mean something, that you ARE worth something, that you do have a purpose on this Earth. I have no idea how on earth I will achieve this but I promise you that I will and that I will never, ever forget.

I may have been a terrible friend, but I don't want to be one any longer.

Speed.

Cliche's aside,

you are my heroin

all powdery and broken and i'm 

a d d i c t e d

to your bowed head and sad smiles

breathe you in and let you rest

in the aching cavern 

between my 

r i b s

Memorabilia.

you slip through my fingers;

a fleeting ghosts of memories--

time breathing last moments

broken by tears and screams

of pleas of pain and happiness

i loved

but now you stay in abyss

a fickering existence

frozen in the second hand

of the broken clock.

Ghost of you

Was i waiting for the whispers

echoes of your name rolling down starched lips

cracked, dried blood (i can feel you seeping 

into my pores) wedges in between

forcing them apart, but I was never really 

together anyway(?)

Dust motes are my only 

lovers at this time of night,

and you're fading.

I suppose

It's a new year, which means a new face, a new voice, a new attitude, a new life, a new me.

A new me, with the same old-and-broken-but-clumsily-fixed-together-heart

One.

i want to get out of here to melt into the wall

like lavender candle-wax flickering and sinking into cold concrete

your fingers feel like caresses and i love every swirl beneath them

did you know darling, that without you here summer feels like 

winter and winter feels even colder

Desire.

and with a flutter of lashes

she set his heart on fire

and he burnt like a moth crashing into the flame

and you will never know

because I will never tell

and for all downcast eyes

demure from sinful lies

hides a girl broken

ripped ap--art by you

and you will never know.

Wash me away.

there are meteor showers in your eyes

and i'm a desert around you

drinking in your oceans

but the tide is low and you're gravitating

towards the eclipsing moon

 [ maybe i am crazy and maybe you don't know

and maybe you will never but you need to know

that i need you ]

so don't go

pleasepleaseplease

i fucking need you

here

( dedicated to juniper
it's been a while )

Little flakes of thought,

Human life is fragile, fleet and disappears within years. How quickly do we lose the rosy hue in our cheeks when we die, when we rot away inside our bodies and finally our soul gives up struggling for the essence of survival, the means of living in this world? But is this our world? Do we have the right to live in this world, in this plane of existence?

I don’t think so.

We are shadows, mere shadows dodging the footsteps of the fleeting ghost of existence. We are mere illusions, torn between reality and fiction. We are not alive. 

 

We do not live in this world, nor do we belong but only do the creatures who we belittle are truly the last snowflakes of winter. We are the storm that rides and rages over this planet and once we have led destruction to the very end, we move on. Like storms, we move on to another planet, destroying, ripping apart and we shield the truth from our younger generation’s eyes by feeding them illusions and we create fantasies for them to live and thrive in, happy and not caring about the wretch we call human life. The very essence of life does not lie within us, being the bastards we are. All we can do is dodge life’s footsteps, like mere shadows. 

 

And like mere shadows, we fade away, screaming and fighting to stay there but the light always finds a way to kill us off.

Midnight fears.

"no, don't go!" she cried emptily, her neptune eyes brimming with oceans of sorrow. "please don't go yet, i have so much more to give you, so much more to say!" her scars of loneliness caves down her arms and circles around her heart, beating in time with the tears pulsating down her jaw. She throws her head into comforting warmth and soothes her throbbing head with gentle caresses but her chest, her chest wouldn't stop breaking in two.

The walls were silent.

No more journeys.

i'm just tired of looking down an empty road

leaving footprints in scattered greying dust

walking along yellow borderlines

between the truth and lies

and dodging the accusing traffic lights

because you can see.

i run into your arms

and i fall into your eyes

drown in your multitude of frozen dreams

wild desires, and bitter lies.

your kisses spread like wildfire,

and the ocean pools in those eyes,

those heaven-sent illusory celestial orbs

that see me through, right through my disguise.

d o n ' t . l o o k . a t . m e

Silliness.

she laughs in my mind

and she won't stop laughing

it's funny, my feelings, it's funny.

i loved you

i loved you

it's funny isn't it?

i love you

and how do you know when you're losing yourself?