A time long gone.

Maybe she loved him, sometime back in December. 

She feels sorry for anyone who forgets the feeling. She feels sorry for anyone who has never had the opportunity to kiss his sleeping pulse. She feels sorry for anyone who has never felt his large hands on the back of their neck, who has never felt how goddamn beautiful it is to fall in love with another human being. He was imperfect and disorganised and needed her to finish his fullstops, to put a breath inbetween his words. She was sad but hopeful and never wanted to leave his side but sometimes love isn't enough to make you want to stay. He was wonderful but he was ruin and heartbreak and empty sighs. She was tired of crying battered tears and questioning herself, "how", questioning him, "why" and being met with silence.

She was strong enough to let go and wise enough to understand that it was wrong to give yourself so completely to someone yet stupid enough to want to keep being with him, fooling herself that it was okay to get hurt as long as he continued to be her safety net. She could weave lies and beautiful words, a glimmer of illusion, a lamp-shade over the pain she felt inside. But happiness was too far out of reach and she forgot too-long, too-much how smiling worked.

So she picked up the pieces of herself, tucked them into her breast pocket and stitched as much of herself together as possible before she left the warm bed of comfort and his whispers of forevers and promises she wanted to believe in. Sometimes reality has to sink in and she was too weak to be strong any longer. 

Maybe she loved him, sometime back in December.

And maybe she loves him, sometime yesterday.

And maybe she will keep loving him, sometime tomorrow.

I want to see the world.

and there’s something beautiful in the idea

of getting lost in the city with you

cobblestone footsteps lost into the colors

of the foreign laughter

and i can’t speak their language

but with you, we need no words

I couldn’t bloom.

She bloomed like pale peach blush,

stealing over the porcelain of her cheeks,

tears cracking down her mask

but she wasn’t allowed to bloom

so she withered away

and withered with their approval.

Inner child.

she was a child that wanted to grow up

who was not really a child anymore

who never really grew up at all

but this time around

the mistakes she will make aren’t so easily forgiven

which was cruel, she thought, in a childish way.

Instinctive.

Oh carnal woman, burning temptations

with the dark smell of musky monday mornings

a room filled with things, things, things

what secret senses are clasped between sheets

soaked with primal instinct and need

though love is absent in the suffocating air.

Two bodies are ruined by a single moment of

unwanted sweetness and light feathers

where he kisses my infinity and i kiss him goodnight

and then soon i am nothing.

Caught.

“Are you cold?” you whisper, your warm breath caressing my ear, sending deep shivers down my spine. I shake my head slowly, afraid that maybe if I move too fast, you wouldn’t be able to catch me. 

And I need you to,

more than I’ve ever needed anything else.

Balloon.

she wants to let go of the things that hold her down

but she can’t help but want to stay grounded

because blood runs thinner than water and 

I’m tired about lying of not thinking of you

Bleh.

Hey, I might like you more

than I really should.

And I really should

stop

(soon) 

Sheets.

And you catch every single one of my breaths

in between your fingertips

and I love the way you move me

through the evening air

satin on satin

and the way you breathe my name

in the crevices of my neck

Open book.

each furrow between your brow is a story

each crease a paragraph where lines

are etched in words of black and white

sometimes grey because it’s getting harder

to tell what’s wrong or right.

Glitter.

She shows me the world

shards of glass grounded down

into thousands upon thousands

sinking into the carvings of her skin

she offers me the world

laughs and smiles and happiness

spilling between her fingertips

but I can’t seem to catch it so i watch it

fall between the gaps and drift

 down, down, down.

Lost to myself.

It's so unbelievably painful to read words that cut right into your heart. 

The most painful of them being words coming from those you hold dear to your heart. I was a fool for focusing too much on myself, too much of me and I never could truly reason with the idea that maybe others are suffering too--just as badly, or worst. They spoke but I never listened, I watched but I never saw. I always thought I could understand others but what more can I do when I can't even understand the feelings of my friends? What help can I offer when I can't even understand the hurt I cause be it intentional or unintentional but both are just as bad as each other for ignorance is a sin and I'm a sinner.

There's only so many "sorry"s that one can say and with each one, the meaning behind it fades and rots away like decaying hearts left out to dry out and shrivel. I can't help but feel that my "sorry"s just taste like ashes in someones mouth. But what else can I offer but my tears, raw and real and so very painful. I could cry oceans knowing what I've done, what i've been doing to others and never truly understanding the consequences of my actions. 

My own insecurities, my own sadness, my own pain and pleasures and everything I thought was something I could share with them...my friends...I was so, utterly, wrong. I've never hated myself until this particular moment, to think that I've caused enough sadness until those I care about started turning to other means of dealing with the pain I've handed to them on a silver platter. I was selfish. I was blind. How could I not see the things that I've been able to clearly seen before? How could my own pain and sadness render me completely oblivious to the people around me?

No words can describe the pain inside my heart. Not only have I loved you, her, them, for years on end but I have stood by them, laughed with them, cried with them and grew with them and all those years of ignorant bliss now comes back to strike me in the face. I can't believe I was so naive. I can't believe that I caused so much pain. Never have I felt like the most useless person in the world as I do now. How could I be so stupid... 

If I could take away all the pain that I've caused, all the sadness that you feel, all the nightmares and constant self-doubting and hurt that you go through everyday. All the scars. I would. I would take them all away, even at the cost of my own worthless life. I cared too much about my own wounds and forgot to tend to the wounds of those I love. How can I call myself a friend now? 

Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.

How can I fix this. I want to fix this. 

I can only hope now that it's not too late to do so.

Please let me show you that you do mean something, that you ARE worth something, that you do have a purpose on this Earth. I have no idea how on earth I will achieve this but I promise you that I will and that I will never, ever forget.

I may have been a terrible friend, but I don't want to be one any longer.

Find me.

I've sort of lost you,

somewhere down my spine

in between my third and fourth rib

you've sort of sunken in,

and for the first time 

in a long time

i've sort of lost myself too. 

Candlelight thoughts.

To be frank.
How much I want you, scares me.
You scare the absolute shit out of me.

It's not often that I'm enraptured by somebody's voice, their eyes, their smiles. I didn't think that you'd be the one to capture me, least of all someone like you. I warned myself not to fall, no, not to be drawn towards such a keen player of the game. Alpha and Alpha(sometimes Omega) and we can't deny this irrefutable bout of underlying passion that binds us together. And I can't deny you of claiming what you desire, not without denying myself of my own.

I can't stop you anymore,
and now i'm not sure if I want to at all.

Speed.

Cliche's aside,

you are my heroin

all powdery and broken and i'm 

a d d i c t e d

to your bowed head and sad smiles

breathe you in and let you rest

in the aching cavern 

between my 

r i b s